"The Daily Show" transcript

I was emailed the transcript from Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show" from Columbus Monday. It's kind of rough -- it's from the close-captioning -- but I thought you'd enjoy seeing it, whether you saw the show or not.
Here it is:

Jon: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW"

MIDWEST MID-TERM-TACULAR.

LeBRON JAMES WILL BE JOINING US LATER.

WE ARE SPENDING THE ENTIRE WEEK IN OHIO, JUST TO THE WEST OF THE 

MISSISSIPPI, JUST TO THE EAST OF LET'S SAY, MEXICO.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

BUT THEY SEEM VERY NICE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 

WE ARE IN THE CITY OF COLUMBUS ON THE CAMPUS OF THE OHIO STATE 

UNIVERSITY.

( CHANT: O-H, I-O! )

YOU'LL HEAR A LOT OF THAT.

NICELY DONE, THANK YOU.

WE HAVE A HALF HOUR.

( LAUGHING ) 

PEOPLE HERE ARE REQUIRED BY LAW TO DO THAT THING THAT THEY JUST DID.

AND ALSO, APPARENTLY, TO OWN FIVE RED-HOODED SWEAT SHIRTS EACH.

( APPLAUSE ) 

THEY'VE RUN OUT OF SURFACES TO PUT AN EMBROIDERED "O" ON.

THEY HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF PRIDE.

LET'S START WITH THE OBVIOUS QUESTION: WHY OHIO?

BECAUSE THIS IS THE BATTLEGROUND STATE FOR THE 2004 ELECTION.

IT WAS DECIDED RIGHT HERE, AND THANKS.

IN FACT OHIO HAS ALWAYS BEEN ON THE COUNTRY'S POLITICAL PULSE.

THE LAST 27 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS OHIO HAS VOTED WITH THE WINNER.

NO OTHER STATE COMES CLOSE.

IS IT BECAUSE OHIO'S VALUES MIRROR AMERICA'S VALUES?

OR PERHAPS WERE OHIOANS SENT HERE FROM THE FUTURE?

WE WILL FIND OUT THIS WEEK.

NOW, THROUGHOUT THE WEEK, OUR AWARD-ELIGIBLE TEAM OF CORRESPONDENTS 

WILL BE POSITIONED THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE STATE.

WE'RE GOING TO CHECK IN WITH THEM QUICKLY.

WE HAVE OUR OWN SAM BEE IN SHAKER HEIGHT'S OHIO.

YOUNGSTOWN, OHIO.

AND JASON JONES?

CINCINNATI.

WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, CINCINNATI, 

W-K-R-ME.

>> Jon: YOU'RE ALL IN DIFFERENT PLACES, RIGHT?

>> ALL THREE CORNERS, YEP.

>> Jon: CAN I ASK, VERY QUICKLY, WHY ARE YOU ALL IN FRONT OF AN 

APPLEBEE'S?

>> WELL, THERE'S REALLY NO WAY TO AVOID THEM, JON.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE.

>> THEY'RE LIKE LOCUSTS, JOHN.

>> Jon: EVEN SO, HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO ANY OHIOAN VOTERS WHILE 

YOU ARE OUT THERE?

>> ABSOLUTELY, JON.

MOMENTS AGO, I MET WITH A RETIRING HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH.

THE STAFF HERE HAD ASKED HIM TO HELP HANG A PICTURE.

TURNS OUT THAT PICTURE WAS OF THE COACH HIMSELF.

THAT MAN IS NOW A PERMANENT FIXTURE ON THE WALL HERE NEXT TO WHAT 

APPEARS TO BE A LICENSE PLATE FROM WYOMING.

>> Jon: YES, I, UM, I BELIEVE I SAW THAT COMMERCIAL AS WELL.

DAN, DID YOU GET TO TALK TO ANY VOTERS?

>> WELL, I WAS ABOUT TO, JON, BUT A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM PULLED 

UP.

THEY HAD JUST SUFFERED A DIFFICULT LOSS.

IT WAS, TECHNICALLY, PAST CLOSING TIME BUT THE STAFF DECIDED TO KEEP 

THE RESTAURANT OPEN.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, DAN, THAT'S FINE.

SAM, HAVE YOU HAD ANY LUCK TALKING TO VOTERS?

>> VERY, VERY SIMILAR SCENE UNFOLDED HERE, JON.

HEART-BROKEN PLAYERS FINDING SOLACE IN A TURKEY-HALL PEN OWE ONER 

POPPER WINGS WITH BACON.

IT WAS QUITE A SCENE.

>> Jon: WERE ANY OF YOU ABLE TO GET AN AUTHENTIC NONFRANCHISE MOMENT 

FROM ACTUAL OHIOANS?

WAS THERE ANYTHING THAT -- DID ANYBODY -- I'M SORRY, ARE WE GETTING -- 

ROB RIGGLE, DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING?

>> YES, I GOT SOMETHING.

>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US, ROB?

>> I'M HERE IN THE REAL OHIO, JOHN, CHILLICOTHE.

IF MY COLLEAGUES HAD DUG DEEPER IT'S NOT JUST A SERIES OF APPLEBEE'S 

AND FOOTBALL FANS.

>> Jon: EXCELLENT REPORTING, ROB.

WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER?

>> VOTERS HERE ARE TIRED...

( LAUGHING -- IN FRONT OF BOB EVANS )

...OF THE SAME OLD CHILI AND CHEESE TACO SAND SWITCHES.

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR CHILI MADE OF SAUSAGE, AND ON THE BOTTOM OF THE 

WHOLE THING CAN BE FRIED AND PUT ON A STICK SO THEY CAN EAT TWO OF THEM.

>> Jon: WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU, ROB?

>> IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT OHIO, IT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH 

IN CHOLESTEROL.

>> Jon: THANK YOU, ROB.

WHY ARE WE HERE IN OHIO?

IT IS, IN FACT, A MICROCOSM OF THE ENTIRE NATION.

IT'S A TOSSUP STATE, THAT HAS TIPPED REPUBLICAN IN RECENT YEARS.

( BOOING )

>> Jon: AND THEY'RE APPARENTLY A VOCAL STATE.

BUT THE DEMOCRATS HAVE PUT TOGETHER A POWERFUL MESSAGE THIS YEAR TO TRY 

TO WIN OHIO AND AMERICA BACK.

>> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE FED UP.

IT'S TOO MANY FOR A CHANGE.

>> TIME FOR A CHANGE.

>> IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE.

>> TIME FOR A CHANGE.

>> THAT IS ACTOR LUKE PERRY.

>> Jon: LUKE PERRY SAYS "TIME FOR CHANGE," AMERICA.

AND, AS WE ALL KNOW, AS LUKE PERRY GOES, SO GOES IAN ZIERING.

>> Jon: WHAT OF THE G.O.P.?

THEIR STRATEGY IS FOCUSED MORE ON THE FLAWS OF INDIVIDUAL OPPONENTS.

BACK HERE, SPIRITED KE DESPITE FROM THE GUBERNATORIAL ELECTION.

>> WHEN YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO STAND UP, YOU SIT DOWN, AND GOT A 

STANDING OVATION FROM THE NORTH AMERICAN MAN-BOY LOVE ASSOCIATION.

( BOOING )

>> Jon: THE NORTH AMERICAN MAN-BOY LOVE ASSOCIATION, OR NAMBLA.

I KNEW I'D GET IT RIGHT AT SOME POINT.

HOW MANY POINTS DOWN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER DO YOU HAVE TO BE BEFORE YOU 

THROW THE "HAIL NAMBLA"?

THAT LOGO.

>> I WANT TO POINT THIS OUT. THAT IS NOT THE ACTUAL NAMBLA LOGO.

THE ACTUAL NAMBLA ORGANIZATION HAS A HARD TIME FINDING GRAPHIC DESIGN 

COMPANIES TO WORK WITH.

THEY HAVE TO OUTSOURCE A LOT OF STUFF.

THEY'RE ALSO GOING AFTER THE DEMOCRATS AS A PARTY.

>> RAISING TAXES IS WHAT THE DEMOCRATS WANT TO DO, MAKE NO MISTAKE 

ABOUT IT.

>> LIBERAL DEMOCRATS WANT TO RAISE YOUR TAXES.

>> THEY'LL WEAKEN THE PATRIOT ACT.

>> THEY'RE GOING TO RAISE YOUR TAXES.

>> THE DEMOCRAT VISION IS GOING TO RAISE YOUR TAXES AND DOES WANT TO 

SURRENDER TO THE TERRORISTS TODAY.

>> Jon: THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE RUNNING ON THAT PLATFORM IS FROM OHIO.

HE IS THE EIGHTH DISTRICT (BLEEP) THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

WE TURN TO JOHN OLIVER, SENIOR ANALYST FOR "THE DAILY SHOW."

( APPLAUSE ) 

GIVEN EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED THE ELECTION DOES SEEM VERY CLOSE.

IT'S A TOSSUP.

>> YES, JON, THE ONLY REASON IT IS SO CLOSE IS THAT THE G.O.P.'S VISUAL 

MASTERY OF CAMPAIGN TECHNIQUES HAVE FAILED THEM.

THEY CHOOSE TO HAVE A CONGRESSMAN GET CAUGHT HAVING SEX ONLINE WITH 

UNDERAGE PAGES.

IT'S PUZZLING.

NOT SURE WHAT THEY WERE THINKING ABOUT THAT ONE.

THEN THERE'S THE IRAQ WAR, THE JACK ABRAMOFF SCANDAL, TOM DELAY, AND 

MONTANA'S SIXTH DISTRICT CONGRESSMAN IS IN FACT HERMAN GOERING.

THE DEMOCRATS, OF COURSE, HAVE YET TO PLAY THEIR FINAL CARD.

>> Jon: WHICH IS?

>> NOTHING.

( LAUGHING )

>> Jon: THEIR FINAL CARD IS TO NOT PLAY A FINAL CARD?

>> EXACTLY.

LOOK, THE REPUBLICANS HAVE AN IDEOLOGICAL AGENDA.

LOOK WHAT IT'S GOTTEN US.

RIGHT NOW, AMERICANS ARE FOLLOWING THE DEMOCRATS' UTTER LACK OF VISION, 

THEY'RE FINDING IT VERY APPEALING.

I THINK THIS NEW CAMPAIGN AD CAPTURES THE EXISTENTIAL VACUUM THAT IS 

TODAY'S DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

TAKE A LOOK.

IT CAPTURES THE EXISTENTIAL VALUE.

>> I'M JARROD BROWN AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.

>> THAT COST $20 MULLION AND MAY HAVE JUST WON THEM THE ELECTION.

JON?

>> Jon: THANK YOU, JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

NOW, I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN I HEARD WE WERE COMING TO COLUMBUS.

I MEAN, GOD, WHAT A HOMECOMING FOR ME.

COMING BACK A SUCCESS STORY, THE RECONNECTING WITH MY FRIENDS AND 

FAMILY.

>> Jon: YOU'RE NOT FROM HERE, YOU'RE FROM CANADA.

>> NO, JOHN, I'M NOT.

I'M NOT FROM HERE.

BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP ME FROM PRETENDING THAT I WAS.

TAKE A LOOK.

CINCINNATI HAS ITS CHILI.

THREED HAS ITS MUD HENS.

CLEVELAND, ITS STEAMERS.

COLUMBUS HAS SAMANTHA BEE.

WHILE ANYONE CAN GIVE YOU THE BASICS, THIS HOMETOWN GIRL IS GOING TO 

GIVE YOU THE INSIDE LOOK FROM A BONA FIDE COLUMBUSIAN?

WHAT IS IT?

I'M (BLEEP) FREEZING OUT HERE.

FIRST STOP, THE HOUSE WHERE I GREW UP ON MAIN CHURCH AVENUE STREET 

ROAD.

IT'S THIS ONE, OVER HERE.

[ BELL RINGING ] THEY DON'T SEEM TO BE HOME.

OH!

HI, I -- COME ON!

GOD!

[ BELL RINGING ] ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME.

[ SCREAMING ] THIS IS IT, THIS IS WHERE I GREW UP!

OH MY GOSH!

HI, THIS IS SO GREAT.

I'M JUST -- DO YOU MIND IF I JUST TAKE A LOOK AROUND?

I'M JUST TAKING A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE.

THE MEMORIES CAME FLOODING BACK.

NO BANISTER.

OH MY GOD!

THE HOUSE IS ABOUT THREE YEARS OLD.

I'M CURIOUS HOW YOU GREW UP HERE?

>> AND MY TRIP CONTINUED FROM MY OLD HOUSE TO THE STATE HOUSE.

THEY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY COLUMBUS.

GIVE US A SCOOP.

>> UM-HUM.

WE ARE THE HOME OF THE NUMBER ONE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "OH" YOU WOULD SAY "IO."

>> OH.

>> IO.

>> THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

WHEN WE'RE FROM OHIO.

>> RIGHT.

>> I (BLEEP) LOVE COLUMBUS.

I CAUGHT UP WITH HOMETOWN FANS.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, YOU GOT ME.

>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> IT'S ME, IT'S ME!

AND TOURED MY OLD SCHOOL.

OH, I REMEMBER THIS.

>> WHO WAS YOUR TEACHER?

>> JIM -- AND WHAT A THRILL TO VISIT MY FIRST JOB. (HOOTERS) 

[ SCREAMING ] I'M BACK!

DO THE HANDSHAKE.

THE AIR WAS THICK, AND I COULDN'T RESIST THE URGE TO SUIT UP AGAIN.

THIS IS OKAY, RIGHT?

IT WAS LIKE I NEVER LEFT.

THAT OLD COLUMBUS ACCENT.

>> IF YOU STAY HERE FOR A DAY OR TWO IT'LL COME BACK TO YOU.

>> I'M IN COLUMBUS.

>> THAT'S MORE OF AN IRISH ACCENT.

>> I'M FROM COLUMBUS.

COMING HOME ISN'T ALWAYS EASY.

BUT THE REWARDS ARE INFINITE.

>> SAMANTHA, WE WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH THIS KEY TO THE CITY.

>> OH MY GOD!

WHAT?

>> YES, THIS IS A REALLY BIG KEY.

>> WHAT A SURPRISE.

WHAT A THRILL, WHAT A THRILL!

I WANTED TO GIVE SOMETHING BACK TO WHAT HAS BEEN MY HOMETOWN.

THE LAST FOUR MINUTES OF AIR TIME.

YOU'RE WELCOME, COLUMBUS.

IT'S THE ABSOLUTE LEAST I COULD DO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHEN WE CAME TO OHIO WE WANTED TO GET OHIO POLITICIANS ON THE PROGRAM.

WE ASKED PRETTY MUCH ALL OF THEM.

GOVERNOR TAFT, KEN BLACKWELL.

APPARENTLY MANY OF THEM ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE OFFICE, OR GO TO PRISON.

( LAUGHING )

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: WE DID THE SECOND-BEST THING, WE WENT TO THE B-LIST AND GOT 

KING LeBRON JAMES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M DOING WONDERFUL.

HOW YOU DOING OUT HERE TONIGHT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

>> Jon: THEY ENJOY YOU.

( LAUGHING ) YOU ARE -- HOW IS IT, YOU'RE 21 YEARS OLD?

>> CORRECT.

>> Jon: YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL HOW MANY YEARS?

 -- MY FOURTH YEAR.

>> Jon: ARE YOU ON THE COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED AS THE NEXT 

GENERATION, YOURSELF, CARMELO ANTHONY AND DWAYNE WADE.

>> RIGHT.

>> Jon: THAT MUST FEEL GOOD.

( APPLAUSE )

>> IT REALLY DOES.

MYSELF AND D-WADE AND MELO, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO LEAD THE CHARGE.

>> Jon: WHEN DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE A SPECIAL 

BASKETBALL PLAYER, AND THAT YOU HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO REALLY DO SOMETHING?

>> I'M NOT SURE.

I JUST KNEW -- FIRST OF ALL WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WAS TALLER THAN 

EVERYBODY ELSE.

>> Jon: BEEN THERE!

( LAUGHING )

( APPLAUSE )

>> I KNEW I HAD AN ADVANTAGE AT THAT POINT.

AS SOME OF THE KIDS STARTED GROWING A LITTLE BIT, ALSO, I JUST STARTED 

DOING SOME THINGS SOME OF THE OTHER KIDS COULDN'T DO 14, 15 YEARS OLD.

MY GAME STARTED GETTING BETTER.

I REALIZED I COULD BECOME VERY GOOD.

>> Jon: THREE YEARS LATER WERE YOU IN THE NBA, HOW FACING GUYS 30 YEARS 

OLD AND SEVEN FEET TALL.

YOU CAN STILL DO THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: IT SEEMS LIKE, AND AGAIN I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU, BUT ARE 

YOU AN ALIEN CREATURE?

( LAUGHING ) 

ARE YOU A BEING FROM ANOTHER LAND THAT HAS BEEN SENT HERE, AND WHAT CAN 

STOP YOU?

IS it CHRIS KNIGHT OR WHAT?

>> WELL, I'M NOT SURE.

AT THIS POINT, I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST WORKING.

>> Jon: I'M A NEW YORKER.

I'M A NEW YORKER AND I WANT TO ASK THIS QUESTION.

BASKETBALL INSIDE MAN-ON-MAN.

WILL THE KNICKS SUCK THIS YEAR?

>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY, THEY HAVE SOME VERY GOOD PLAYERS.

IF THEY CAN COME TOGETHER, AND ISAIAH IS GOING TO HELP THEM DO THAT.

TRY AND HELP THEM.

>> Jon: THAT US THE EQUIVALENT OF SOMEONE SAYING "SHE HAS A GREAT 

PERSONALITY."

AND I THINK YOU WILL LIKE HER.

WE COULDN'T BRING EVERYTHING HERE TO OHIO, YOU'RE INTO LARGE.

BUT IN THE NBA YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO THE PROS UNTIL AFTER YOU ARE 

20 YEARS OLD OR HAVE BEEN IN COLLEGE A COUPLE OF YEARS.

IF THAT HAD BEEN THE SITUATION FOR YOU, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD 

HAVE GONE?

WHERE WOULD YOU HAVE PICKED?

>> PROBABLY OHIO STATE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: THAT WAS A GIVE-ME, RIGHT UP THERE.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: AND THAT WAS AN EXCELLENT -- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY, REALLY?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY, DEPAUL?

LET ME ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION QUICKLY BEFORE WE GO.

COULD I BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING?

>> DO I THINK --.

>> Jon: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS?

ONE, TWO, THREE.

( LAUGHING ) LeBRON JAMES, LeBRON!

( APPLAUSE )

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: BEFORE WE GO, AS ALWAYS, WE'LL CHECK IN WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> WHERE ARE YOU, JON?

WHERE ARE YOU!

>> Jon: STEPHEN, WE'RE IN OHIO FOR THE WEEK.

>> OH.

OH, OKAY.

CAN I USE YOUR SHOWER IN YOUR OFFICE?

>> Jon: NO.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.

GOOD LUCK ON MANILOW TONIGHT.

GOOD LUCK.

>> THE QUESTION I WANT, WOLF, DOES CNN WANT AMERICA TO WIN.

>> DO YOU WANT THE UNITED STATES TO WIN IN IRAQ?

>> DO YOU WANT US TO WIN?

>> COLUMBUS WAS FOUNDED AT THE JUNCTION OF THE RIVERS.

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